ruminating

36 and a half weeks. Whoa.

Baby Number 2. Double Whoa.

I guess you might say that I'm "nesting". Although i think that in my life in general I am in a constant state of nesting. My house is always being rearranged, reorganized, set up over and over again. I guess, though, that my natural state of nesting has intensified over the past week or so. I deep cleaned my house last week to the point that I launched myself into serious, searing pain. Luckily I was couch-bound when my husband was home and able to take over dinner and play time for me.

We've gotten a lot done though in the past couple of weeks, I'm pretty impressed.

Her changing table is set up, her clothes are all washed and folded, Ryan built her crib just yesterday, her car seat cover is currently hanging to dry and my hospital bag is probably 3/4 of the way packed. Her boppy has a cover on it and is already packed in my car, waiting for her to nestle up in it.

There's still more to do - we have to drag out her swing, assemble her pack and play, install both infant seats into both vehicles. Her room isn't ready yet but that's not too big of a deal bc she'll be sleeping wherever I sleep for the first six months or so anyway.

Progress is good though, I am feeling slightly less like "oh holy shit". Well, at least in terms of the physical surroundings being ready for a baby.

Oh and diapers! her diapers are currently getting washed and prepped for her cute little baby bum!

So now I guess we just wait and I try not to chew my nails down to their quick...I suppose this is the time when I soak up as much one-on-one time with Henry as I can although in reality all I really want to do is lay on the couch and sleep. These huge chunks of insomnia in the middle of the night every night are really, truly starting to take a toll on me. It's hard being awake from 2:00AM to 5:00AM and still play choo-choos all day long with my little sweet boy. But I'm doing the best I can, it's all I can do.

So we wait. And slowly but surely I'll continue pulling stuff together in preparation of her arrival. Maybe everything won't be done, maybe her room will still be stacked with boxes and she'll have to sleep in a Hoarders Themed nursery afterall (joking, I won't put her in there surrounded by boxes) but I know from experience the first time around that everything WILL get done eventually and that the time will go blipping on by no matter how long and exhausting these last few days seem to be. The days are long but the years are short, they say. Truer words have honestly never been spoken when it comes to all things child-rearing in my opinion. Waiting is so hard and yet I can't even believe that I'm at the point where it's four weeks or less until I have her in my arms. Surreal. Then we'll be a family of four.

wow. Just wow.

four weeks left...some thoughts

I am almost 36 weeks pregnant. I can't even explain how quickly this pregnancy has gone by. It's been lightening speed in one way and also this slow build up of anticipation in another. By now I am both completely ready and also clinging to the past in equal increments.

I guess the big thing I didn't really anticipate is the Mommy Guilt that I feel. I am so overwrought by it. My little Henry is so used to being the center of my world, of my whole life that to "take that away" from him seems almost cruel in a way. Although the flip side of that is that I'm giving him a hugely precious gift - the gift of a sibling. He's always going to have his sister in his life now and the two of them can lean on each other and get through life together. That's just amazing and awesome and I know it's invaluable...but the selfish side of me just thinks about how invaluable these past two years have been to me. These past two years have been the most magical and amazing of my whole life. I got to learn what it is to be a mommy and what it is to just love someone more than anything in the whole entire universe. I've laughed so much more than I thought, I've cried more too but I have truly had the greatest time of my life and I love this little boy so very, very much.

Ultimately i know that this is the best decision for all of us, I do. I just have trouble coping with the fact that Henry probably won't even really remember any of these two years when it was just the two of us and that is hard for me because they have been the most significant two years of my entire life. Nothing can take it away though and that's something to remember.

I guess that's all I can say about any of this for now. She's due in four weeks and two days and that's just astonishing to me. Big life change, here we come.