I remember in February on the day when I took the pregnancy test on a whim and found myself looking at two little pink lines instead of the one I expected. November seemed to be a lifetime away from then (and i guess, technically it was, wasn't it??). I couldn't imagine what it would be like to be winding down my pregnancy, I had no idea what I was going to go through in the coming months. All I knew was I was (and am) elated and overjoyed and somewhat terrified, too.
I took three tests that day at least...all while Ryan was at work. I went out shopping and bought the baby his first stuffed animal, the namesake for this blog actually: a yellow giraffe. I also got the movie Juno and bought Ryan a book called The Expectant Father. I waited nervously for him to come home and when he did I handed him the bag of items with a shaky hand and watched as he took out the book, a confused look on his face."Thanks!" he said, thinking that I was somehow hinting that we should start trying for a family or that I was getting him ready for some distant day in the future when he would be an expectant father himself. I looked at him hard and said, "Do you see the name of the book?" and he looked at it again and then back at me and i nodded. Then i said, "Dude, I am so pregnant."
Ryan really didn't know what to do with himself. He smiled and hugged me and I showed him the pregnancy test - by this time i had several but i showed him the one that was the clearest...a digital test that said "yes" on it. He kept saying, "really? really?" over and over again and I nodded. He said, "can we trust these tests? are they real?" and i said, "yea they're real." and he hugged me and wandered around and said, "I think i need some water" hahahaand over the next few days as it all sank in we just became more excited and more in awe and more thrilled to realize that there is a little life blooming in me and that sometime in the future that little life would become part of our family. That he would become the most important and driving force in our lives.
And now here we are, 8 months later and I am getting ready to meet that little man; the one who started this all off and who caused his father to pale in the kitchen on a February night (and who then a few minutes later had the biggest grin on his face that I've ever seen and threw his arms around me and hugged me tight and said, "we're going to be parents!").
So while things have sunk in a little more over the past few months, and while we've gotten used to the idea of it all, it's still been a whirlwind rollercoaster ride. We've had a lot of scares and a lot of changes. I had a subchorionic hematoma which threatened my first trimester with bleeding and modified bed-rest. That was followed by a lovely second trimester with minimal problems and the thrills of feeling the baby kick and move and watching my body grow and change to accommodate him.
and now as the third trimester winds down I find myself anxiously anticipating the moments when I can hold him in my arms and look into his eyes. i wonder if he'll recognize me? I wonder if I'll recognize him? I can't wait for his little hand to close around my finger and for me to lean down and kiss him on his head. I can't wait for Ryan to hold him and to say hi to his little guy and to finally feel like this is all really real.
This has been a real journey. We've moved homes, we've changed plans, we've purchased more baby stuff than I ever thought possible and now we're waiting to meet our little man, the one who all of this has been for, the one who made everything possible.
Sometimes i get to have dreams about him. In those dreams I'm holding him in my arms and talking to him and i can see his little face looking up at me and I can feel his little body in my arms. Those dreams are so perfect and so amazing. I can't wait until they're a reality.
Until then, stay put little one and keep getting bigger and stronger and healthier in there. I can't wait to see you and to hold you and love you. You have been a gift since the very first second I've known about you and I can't wait to see what the future has in store for us all. Our perfect little family. For always.
