life; it goes by so quickly, doesn't it?

oh hai blogger! it's been a while (cue that song by stain'd)

I will save all the commentary on my well intentioned thoughts about writing here and the excuses that prevented me from doing so and instead I will just move on. Like a wise individual once pointed out - you should never draw attention to your flaws.

So here I am, on the eve of my very first Mother's Day and the Eve, Eve of my baby boy's Six Month Birthday (formally known as his Half Birthday in my family).

Six months. Six months old. How oh how is that possible?

Time, it does go by quickly, doesn't it?

Today my best friend stopped by for a visit and to scope out our new house. She and I have known one another since we were 4 and 5 years old and playing with blocks on our kindergarten floor. Now, 23 years later, we sat in my livingroom discussing my little baby's first teeth coming in and her busy urban career. So strange how quickly life has brought us here. So strange how quickly I know it will deliver us to our next phases of life. I said, "Sometime relatively soon we will be old ladies having tea together and reminiscing about our lives." 

And while I know that technically that tea-time between us is quite a ways off, the message behind it is the same: this is all going by really freaking fast already. Way too fast if you want my opinion. 

I can almost still feel what it feels like to be a child. I can almost still put myself back in that place where I'm getting tucked in by my father, or feel what it's like to rest my head on my mother's lap and have her stroke my hair. I can almost still close my eyes and convince myself I'm waking up on the morning of my birthday party - excitement welling up within.

But here I am, an adult with a husband who turns thirty in just under two weeks and a baby sleeping peacefully upstairs. Here I am, a mother myself to a child who lays his head down on me and falls asleep, who turns to bury his face in my chest when something startles him. Here I am, and somehow in the blink of an eye and a whole entire lifetime has occurred. It's amazing how fast that happened. And while I am ready for this life and I embrace it with love and enthusiasm and excitement, I can't believe how QUICKLY it has arrived.

Wasn't I just starting High School? Wasn't I just nervously attending my first college classes? Wasn't I only just arguing with my parents that I was old enough to go on vacation with my friends alone, that it really was time for me to move out, that I really was ready for all of the responsibilities of an adult?

Didn't I just meet the love of my life? Weren't we just planning our wedding? And moving in together? Didn't I only JUST discover I was pregnant?

How is this all going by so quickly?

Will I always feel this way? Will I always be able to close my eyes and recall the beginning, even when I am close to the end? If so, how very sad and tragic it is to die I imagine...feeling so young and alive inside but having the outside not quite match those feelings. I guess I always assumed that once you reached a very old age that you would have felt that it was enough already and you were somehow ready to go...but if life continues on like this how will anyone ever feel like it's enough?

Oh well, sorry for the heavy and perhaps morbid twist. These are the things I think about regularly and this is the place I think I should start to share my thoughts. 

The point is, life has moved so quickly but I have loved it - all of it. And I am so grateful for the place where I am now. Oh lord am I so grateful. 

And even though I cried today because my little baby is about to be six months old and start solid foods and that little thing itself is one step that takes him away from me, i know there are great things to come. There are more snuggles, more babies, more moments, more hugs, more laughter, more occasions, more birthdays and christmases, more trips, more dances and more gifts. There are endlessly more memories to share and more milestones to reach and I am truly looking forward to the future so very much. I think I'm going to make it a point to pause and try to breathe it all in though because I have a feeling the next years of my life are going to blip on by me and honestly, I want to hold onto them tightly and feel every single little bit of them before they rush through my hands and I'm left with nothing but the feeling of them tingling on my palms. 

on boobs

Since becoming a mom I've learned a lot about myself...

For example, I can be a fully functioning and mostly-pleasant individual on only two hours of sleep. 

I can also change a diaper in under ten seconds. 

I make up great songs about mundane tasks and I am pretty much an expert at putting a onesie on over a squiggly baby who hates wearing clothes.

One thing i didn't know (nor had any way of knowing) was that I am full-on, obsessively passionate about breastfeeding. 

Seriously, I'm really, really into it. 

Breastfeeding was something that used to freak me out. I wasn't raised in a breastfeeding culture, it just wasn't something that happened in my family. But I am a researcher and every time something new happens in my life I hop online and skip over to the bookstore and I read as much as I can about it. This was true when I got pregnant, i became obsessed with learning what was going on in there and how my baby was developing. And then when it came time to figure out how I would care for that little life in my tummy, i researched the heck out of that as well. 

And my research showed me inconclusively that breastfeeding was, for me, the ONLY option. 

Now, let's be clear, I'm not writing this to start any debates. I know that this can be a fairly hot-button issue with some people. People get super-duper defensive about the subject and feel very attacked if they choose not to/couldn't breastfeed their child. I'm not even going to discuss that here though, that's not what I'm writing this about. I'm just writing to say: breastfeeding, for me, was the only choice. 

The unexpected thing was that it turns out that making that choice has been pretty much one of the top five best things to ever happen to me. 

I love it. I love it so much that I consider myself passionate about it. I read about it, i discuss it with people, i breastfeed anytime, any place and i don't feel embarrassed or apologetic at all. It's just not something I think i SHOULD feel weird about. 

But again, I don't want to get all political here. I'm sure i'll save that for a different post. 

The thing i DO want to write about is how weird our culture (and by that i mean mainstream American suburban/urban) is towards breastfeeding. It's weird that in our culture breasts are these giant (no pun intended) sexualized beings and that it's perfectly acceptable for women to flaunt them around in skimpy attire but that a sweet and loving mother can't feel comfortable nourishing her little baby while sitting on a park bench or in the mall. That's WEIRD, guys, it's weird. 

Not only that but then i go on to think about other things associated with breastfeeding and I guess with women's issues in general.

Freud said that women have "Penis Envy" and it's one of our fundamental issues that we need to overcome or something like that. Not to go too far on a tangent but I've never once thought to myself, "oh man, i wish i had something dangling around down there, making most of my decisions for me." 

If anything, I've reached the conclusion that if anyone should have any envy (which is a belief i don't ascribe to), that men should (and verywell probably DO) have breast envy. 

Seriously. Breasts are awesome. 

I was aware of the awesomeness of my breasts a long time ago. In fact, they've been something that I have been fond of and knew how to utilize since I got them at an early age. I've always known that breasts = fabulous. 

But it wasn't until becoming a mother that I found out just HOW amazing they really are. I mean, sure, can boobs be exploited and allow you certain advantages in our weird-o society? Yes, they definitely can. Can they make you feel lovely and feminine and attractive? Yup, they can do that to. 

That was where my previous knowledge of the greatness of boobs stopped. Usher in motherhood though and it's like a whole new door has been opened up to me about the fantasticness of the female body and specifically of breasts. 

Boobs are amazing. Do you realize that my son has been alive for 133 days and the ONLY thing he has ever eaten is milk that has been produced for him by my breasts? That's SO incredible. He has been kept alive exclusively by my body. How phenomenal is that? 

and not only that but he LOVES when I nurse him. He loves it. My breasts are able to soothe and comfort, to put him to sleep, heck they even provide a pillow for him to rest his little head on when he falls asleep. 

It just astonishes me that my body is such a miracle. Not only was it able to grow and sustain his life while he was developing during my pregnancy but it is continuing to grow and sustain his life well after he has left my womb. How amazing is that? 

How amazing are women?

It's easy as women to get down on ourselves for our physical appearance if we aren't stick thin with beachballs glued on top of our chests (again, thanks weird culture) but now whenever I am lamenting the fact that it's taking me much longer than i expected to lose the last 15 pounds of pregnancy weight, all i have to do is think about the fact that my body is a miracle. My body takes care of and nourishes my son. It soothes him, it comforts him, it keeps him alive. 

and that is pretty freakin' fantastic if you ask me. 

Which puts a whole new spin to Elaine's "They're real and they're fantastic" quote, dont you think?