Tuesday, February 12, 2013

four weeks left...some thoughts

I am almost 36 weeks pregnant. I can't even explain how quickly this pregnancy has gone by. It's been lightening speed in one way and also this slow build up of anticipation in another. By now I am both completely ready and also clinging to the past in equal increments.

I guess the big thing I didn't really anticipate is the Mommy Guilt that I feel. I am so overwrought by it. My little Henry is so used to being the center of my world, of my whole life that to "take that away" from him seems almost cruel in a way. Although the flip side of that is that I'm giving him a hugely precious gift - the gift of a sibling. He's always going to have his sister in his life now and the two of them can lean on each other and get through life together. That's just amazing and awesome and I know it's invaluable...but the selfish side of me just thinks about how invaluable these past two years have been to me. These past two years have been the most magical and amazing of my whole life. I got to learn what it is to be a mommy and what it is to just love someone more than anything in the whole entire universe. I've laughed so much more than I thought, I've cried more too but I have truly had the greatest time of my life and I love this little boy so very, very much.

Ultimately i know that this is the best decision for all of us, I do. I just have trouble coping with the fact that Henry probably won't even really remember any of these two years when it was just the two of us and that is hard for me because they have been the most significant two years of my entire life. Nothing can take it away though and that's something to remember.

I guess that's all I can say about any of this for now. She's due in four weeks and two days and that's just astonishing to me. Big life change, here we come.

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